Odeur 53 by Comme des Garçons

Supposedly made of 53 chemicals not found in nature. Has ridiculous ad copy that mentions NONE of the following: Faint whiffs of rose, old leather, stale tobacco, lipstick, dried up mint gum, and a lost violet pastille. It’s Eau de Grandma’s Purse…  oddly, it’s not your grandmother’s purse.

Prada eau de parfum

Berries, musk, leather accord base. Luxurious, classy. Seemed to be aiming at Kelly Caleche but hit Lolita Lempicka by accident.

Black Amethyst by Bath & Body Works

Lowend deadringer for the above. Less leather, no development. Won’t wash off.

888 by Comme des Garçons

Supposedly made to smell like gold bullion, but smells like a mostly generic highend luxury scent. Replace the berries from the Prada with saffron, add a yellow (instead of white) flower accord and it’s the same scent. Still… nice, classy, pleasant, gives a warm glow.

Angel Men Pure Coffee by Thierry Mugler

This is Angel (candy-chocolate-musk). For Men (extra musk). Coffee scented (Yum!), which wears off quickly, just musk left (yuck), which sticks to your clothes fiercely (drycleaning!$$!).

Michael Kors eau de parfum

A tuberose-tropical, good for summer. Tries hard to evoke a tropical vacation, and pretty much succeeds. The tuberose is light enough to let other notes have a chance, but is overall a weaker strength scent than Fracas or Mahora (some would say that’s very fortunate). Unintended scent by-product: it has a top note smelling almost exactly like Chinese Silk Tree blossoms; we had a huge one in our front yard when I was a small child. Will probably buy it just for this.

Gucci

Sort of similar to Michael Kors but less tropical, more fake-sandalwoody. Little bit of leatheryness too. Goes on smelling sophisticated & expensive, wears out quickly, going cheap & stale in an hour or two. The generic woody-vanilla-amber base note that everything has nowadays lingering forever, which is bad, it’s so boring it’s annoying it won’t go away. You want it to succeed, you really do when it’s fresh, then it grows up to be a big disappointment.

The Beat by Burberry

Goes on smelling like an intriguing unidentifiable pleasant white floral-ish something, just when you think you’ve identified it you can’t think of the word… Soon moves into an odd “urban accord” of exhaust fumes, asphalt, and burning rubber –and quickly exits it. Ends in another generic woody-somethingorother that won’t wash off! I’m 90% sure Comme Des Garçons has covered this ground already, but 100% less timidly.

Mango Mandarin by Bath & Body Works

If I deride B&BW stuff so much, why do I bother trying it? Because I have hope they’ll accidentally make something with depth someday. In the meantime, It was 104 degrees F last week and I just wanted to smell yummy & uncomplicated. The gallons of sweat didn’t warp this chemical juggernaut one bit. Very foody scent. Made me hungry. Wanted a fruit slushy all day.

To get back in the habit of snarky reviewing, I wrote several small quickies about various scents I received over the holidays. A few sentences each, not too in-depth, suitable for scents without much. Please enjoy.

Pink Sugar by Aquolina,

Surprisingly not that bad. It’s obviously cotton candy, but it has a slightly musky undernote and a bit of white flowers which saves it from being this generation’s Love’s Baby Soft. Lacks the dumpster-diver, trailer-sleaze “bad girl” smell of Chinatown, this is its “good girl” sister. A grown woman can actually wear this, to many different settings, no less. Knock me over with a feather!

inner grace by Philosophy,

Light woodsy scent like every other one out there. Ellen Tracy comes to mind, as do many many many others. Perfect for the over-50 middle management office slave. If you’re not (and don’t want to be mistaken for one), stay away from this. Bor-ing!

Juicy Couture

Mix Happy by Clinique with Agree shampoo, the green kind, from the ’70s. Got it? Now add some generic “expensive” smelling wood-musk bottom note that won’t go away. Again, surprisingly not that bad, smells better on skin, but nothing unique about it. If you want to be invisible at a hip nightclub, (or just like wearing sweats with “Juicy” embroidered across the butt) wear this. It’s scent camo at only $300/oz.!

Hard Candy by Urban Decay

Another sugary scent! Remember when Madonna was first famous? Yes yes, the 1980s. Remember her tween fans were called Wannabees? Right. See Pink Sugar & Chinatown above. Not as nice as the former, not as nasty as the latter, trying desperately to act grown-up but has to go to bed early (it’s a school night). Grown women should not try to wear this.

My Insolence by Guerlain

I’ll say! I washed the sweater I wore it with and it still didn’t come out. Now I can’t wear any other perfume with this sweater. Washing, drying, and hanging in the closet for 2 weeks, still there! It’d be fine if it didn’t smell like my grandma’s coat closet.. Damn! Insolent little b…… of a scent! The original’s probably worse…

Body Lotion Sampler Signature Collection by Bath & Body Works

Mine has Japanese Cherry Blossom, Sensual Amber, Warm Vanilla Sugar, Sea Island Cotton, Sparkling Peach, and Sweet Pea Blossom. I have a problem with most B&BW scents. They’re chemically and smell better as candles or air-freshener than on people, for the most part. The ones that work: Sensual Amber (one of their real winners, vanilla & orange & amber, oh my!), Sparkling Peach (like Hi-C peach drink), and Sweet Pea Blossom (innocuous). The ones that stink: Japanese Cherry Blossom (real cherry blossoms have almost no scent, this is masking chemicals for “unscented” products), Warm Vanilla Sugar (it’s everywhere! on everyone!), and Sea Island Cotton (cucumber face mask mutated into Godzilla). After I tore up the packaging, I discovered the return slip taped to the bottom. Oy…